09: Mirror of Power

I decided on the topics I wanted to write about months ago. I even created a schedule so that I’d have a form – a structure to help me stay consistent and make it easy. Ironically, however, the week I got to my previous post about movement, I struggled to write. I was in a constant state of freeze. I struggled to be present with work commitments, personal commitments, and relationships. Eventually, I started to narrow my focus inward and come up with worst-case-scenarios, which was not helpful.

And then a wise human caught me in a moment of moving into freeze and invited me into a simple somatic practice to shift my state. The practice invited me into presence. I was amazed by her quick action to interrupt me and grateful for her neutrality around my feelings. There was no conversation, no story, no projection, or attempt to make me “feel better” – just clean presence. It was a gift.

This interruption helped get me back into action. And so, I was in motion again, moving my body and back to taking care of myself and my commitments. It was also an opportunity to get back to my writing schedule. Yet when I looked at the next topic – power – I had this sense that I wasn’t fully stepping into and actualizing my power. Even though I was interrupting the freeze, I was still choosing what I was afraid of and making myself small. I was shifting my state, while still blaming others and giving my power away. How would I wrote about power?

And so, as I began reflecting on power and how this mirror was showing up in my life, I became more attuned to where I was giving my power away. It was through making meaning out of actions by others, withholding my voice, and accommodating others in ways that caused me to abandon myself. As someone who loves to suspend meaning making, verbally express what’s true for me, and honor myself, I wasn’t choosing to do these things. The contrast was stark when I started to pay attention.

After becoming aware of what I was choosing, I decided to make different choices and act on them. I accepted that things might get messy as I took steps to interrupt where I was out of congruence and choosing permission from an external authority rather than trusting my own knowing and experience. Even though I didn’t feel “ready,” I said what felt uncomfortable and took actions that felt hard. I faced what I was ignoring, withholding, and delaying. The choices and actions I took may not resulted in a “perfect ending,” however, the freedom, clarity, and lightness I feel as a result of stepping into my power is electric.

Claiming my power remains a choice and I can choose not to be in power at any given moment, however, the wake-up call I received over the last week went deep. And I want to keep choosing it. I’m grateful for the call to explore power in this season of life.

Acknowledgements:

Rayna: Your content appeared just as I decided to claim my power and my brilliance. I am grateful for your bold and precise words. They have resonated deeply, amplifying what I was already feeling inside and supporting me to keep the current of my power centered in me and in flow.

Kim: Thank you for witnessing me in my power and choice. You were the first person who heard me express what I decided for myself. I felt clear and present, even relaxed. Your reflection of my inner clarity and trust in myself was timely. I’m grateful for your mentorship.