10: Mirror of Grief
Today’s mirror is grief. This year, in particular, grief has hit me hard. It actually started in the summer of 2024 with big waves of emotion and then there was more to feel in January and in the months that followed. I don’t know that I have ever felt so much moving in my body as I have this year.
It was a season of loss of relationships, contracts, and possibilities. And it felt that regardless of what I did or explored, I couldn’t find a path to new opportunities. Then more grief would show up. And this cycle kept repeating. So I looked for patterns, lessons, and external support that would help me see myself more clearly. I also hoped it would help to ignite the spark towards something new. I thought I was missing something or that I didn’t know something that was necessary for me to evolve. However, in hindsight I’m aware of how I was giving my power away and distracting myself from metabolizing the grief. The mirrors in my life kept revealing grief.
I felt that I was regressing to a younger age where I had experienced similar personal and professional challenges and even more grief showed up with these feelings. I could not believe how much I had not processed such deep wells of grief. There were old memories and old beliefs. And perhaps there were different levels of depth for me to process, but I was also choosing to process again and again rather than experience and move through the grief. I kept replaying stories of not being seen, chosen, celebrated, or loved in the ways I desired. When really, it was my own choice to hide parts of myself, self-abandon, and play small.
I’m grateful that this deep season of grief has now subsided as I’ve reclaimed my power. I still experience grief and go through periods of feeling it or choosing to process rather than move through it, but learning to face it and be with it instead of bypassing it or avoiding it has been one of my greatest lessons this year. It perhaps even reveals a greater ability to experience love and joy that has made this level of grief possible, making space for the parts of me clinging to old beliefs and unhelpful patterns to integrate into a new way of being instead of remaining frozen in time.
Acknowledgement:
To those who have witnessed my grief, I hold deep gratitude for your presence. You have listened when I’ve needed to express something tender. You have also challenged me when I’ve been stuck in a loop. I appreciate the way you have reminded me where I am in time and space as an invitation to return to the present moment and as a call to choose something different and create real change. Thank you for extending love and kindness.
